Butterflies' Ballet
by Teyerin
Summary: A piece between siblings about who is ‘dancing ahead’ of whom.


Disclaimer: Own nothing of the Wonderful World of Whedon.

Summary: A piece between siblings about who is 'dancing ahead' of whom.

Author's Note: Alternative timeline of sorts and yet not really. Confused? Try "Detained." Italics mean internal conversation between the Tams.

Butterflies' Ballet

Simon Tam watched as his sister explained the gardening plans to Shepherd Book. In a way, the young man was envious of the common ground the two had found, a common ground once shared with someone who used to look after them. Then again, if it wasn't for River or Book, Simon wouldn't have recalled which plants were safe to use for medicinal purposes.

Their 'dance' had always been of one advancing, the other catching up before taking the next step beyond. They had danced like that since she was three – with her impatiently waiting for him more often than not. The few times he did surpass her, he couldn't turn around quickly enough to pull her up to his level. Whether it was because he didn't like to be alone or didn't want to ever leave her behind, he wasn't sure.

Now, she took the lead in leaps and bounds. In time, she'd let him catch up - at least in this part of the field. Maybe.

Simon frowned, reflecting on his sister's actions that had saved them, Jayne Cobb especially. River, his sweet little sister, had murdered a bounty hunter. Reliving the details as he sat at her side had torn him apart, every logical part of his mind saying 'taking a life was wrong.' Yet, emotionally, protectively, he knew she had to do it.

Having absorbed a great detail of her thoughts and dreams through the link they shared, he realized with considerable regret that his sister could kill; would kill; and felt justified killing. And here he was, the majority of his life focused on the mantra of mending that which was broken.

'_Simon, stop it or you'll go spinning.'_

'_Yes, mei-mei. But, isn't spinning dancing, too?'_

'_Not if you fall. I don't have time to pick you up if you do, cane or no cane.'_

'_Leave me and my crutch out of this.'_

Simon picked up the sword cane that Sirs Harrow and Murphy had given them after the duel with Atherton Wing. He wasn't wrong in calling it a crutch, the physical reminder of such a label to the many invisible strings that kept him upright somtimes. There were others, certainly – Kaylee, River, Wash, Zoë, Inara, Mal, Jayne and Book… They were what kept him up, kept him standing. Inside…

'_Will you at least warn me the next time…? If there's a way to avoid…'_

He didn't have to finish what he couldn't say because she saw right through him, had known his thoughts before he did sometimes. It simplified their 'talks' sometimes and frustrated them both at others. Now, he felt River's attention return to the instruction at hand. He, in turn, left for his room.

Fine, he thought as he walked down the corridor. They could continue to ignore it, the whole _go se thing_; in fact he'd prefer that they could, _gorramit._ Simon stopped to pause. He had always been the one to follow the rules, to do what was expected of him, to do what was proper. And now, he cursed as freely as Jayne did. Well, maybe not quite, but getting closer, that was for certain.

'_Wasted time on 'proper' language is mere surrender to the puppeteers who want to enter your mind and control-.'_

Simon shook his head vigorously. "River, knock it off!"

Kaylee Frye looked up at him, a bemused look on her face. "Simon?"

He didn't remember turning to go to the engine room. "Um, Kaylee. Hi." Simon felt his face redden with embarrassment and anger - embarrassed, because he was caught, for the first time in a long while, talking to himself, especially by Kaylee and angry because what River had 'said' was probably all too true. He shot his sister a reply before she could 'say' anything.

"What brings you down here?" Kaylee asked.

That was a good question, he realized. Simon looked at her and noticed she was as cheerful as always, a bit concerned for him right now, but cheerful never the less. He tried to stall for time, time to sort possible answers that sounded right, sounded logical.

Jayne Cobb's hollering did that for him.

"_Gorramit_, Kaylee! Thought you said you fixed this thing last week?"

To Simon's ears, 'fixed' came out like 'fissed' and 'thing' came out like 'thang' - not that it mattered none, but… All of Jayne's anger and frustration came out with that first word, like something fired from a cannon, he thought.

Kaylee walked passed Simon and met Jayne half-way. "What did you do to it this time?"

Simon turned to better hide a smile. Wrong thing to ask Jayne, he thought. The wave of the mercenary's response swept over him instantly.

"Nuthin'! But, I can tell you it's still broke."

"Do you want me to look at it again and-."

"Of course! Just get it right this time's all I'm askin'. _Dong ma?_"

Whatever it was, Simon thought, it was something that neither Jayne nor Kaylee wanted him to know about.

"Well, 'sidering how small the pieces are, maybe Simon should-."

"Doc don't do mechanical. You do."

Simon waited as the conversation continued in hushed tones. After a while, Kaylee quickly hid something under the blankets on her hammock then nonchalantly turned to face Simon. "So, remember what brought ya here?"

He was embarrassed again because he still didn't have a satisfying answer to give. "Um, I should get going," he said, making his way to the passenger dorms and hoped he could find whatever it was he thought he had lost, if he had any idea what that was.

-----

River poked her head in then quietly sat down at the other end of his bed.

Simon looked up and smiled at her. There were times that River was an enigma to him, the only one who could vanish in plain sight sometimes when she had no reason to hide. When she set her mind to it, he had no way of sensing her, by emotions, thoughts, or sometimes sight.

That occurrence started him more than he cared to admit to her. When he relaxed, he could sense what most everyone on Serenity was feeling. Whenever it was a small group, or one-on-one chat with someone like Wash, perhaps, Simon had a stronger sense of what the other man was feeling, could draw from that emotion if needed.

No. River wasn't always like that. She could put up such a mental guard that he couldn't sense a thing from her, even if he knew based on the medical scans from Ariel that she was capable of feeling everything. If she shared with him, it was strictly for logical purposes most often, her thoughts, that is.

Getting back to the momentary 'blindness,' Simon had wanted to confront her about something, based on what Jayne had told him earlier. It wasn't exactly fear the mercenary projected, but serious concern because of the new factor, the new unknown.

Simon promised Jayne he would look into it, did what he could to reassure the other man that it could be taken care of, then went in an earnest search for his sister. Simon tuned out the others and focused everything on River. No thoughts, no warnings to tell him to stop, or explanations of what happened, no emotion.

He had turned abruptly into the common area of the passenger dorm, disbelieving the peaceful posture she took as she sat on the couch reading. Simon had made it to the bottom of the stairs before he lost sight of her, of everything.

It was all Simon could do to remain calm, to call out to his _mei-mei_ and hope she'd answer. He strained to hear her as he stretched out his arms to try and find her with his hands. His heart raced as he blinked furiously, hoping – no, wishing to see something other than darkness.

By the time Simon's sight came back, she was gone. And only a matter of seconds had passed.

_You could have found me then, Simon._

His thoughts brought back to the present, he set the book aside as he smiled at her. "Can we talk about this out loud, please?".He sighed; hands not necessarily wrung together but close. "I don't have your talents, River. I…I can barely keep track of my own 'self' sometimes." That had been a truth he had finally admitted to himself, only because Book pushed him to reflect on it.

Simon felt a need to explain out loud even if she knew from the start. "The others," he said softly, "are a comfortable symphony to me, reliable in voice, varying in tune, but always in harmony. Jayne's baritone, Shepherd's bass, Mal's tenor…" Simon took a deep breath as River finished.

"_Kaylee is the soprano to Zoë's alto, while Wash and Inara covers many a range to defy labeling."_

"River," he said, aware of the surrendering tone of his own voice, "I said-."

"_I know what you said. And I know you can hear me."_

"River, I'm not there yet. Please?" He felt her impatience with him, mingled with disappointment, too. "River, please stop?"

She placed a hand on either side of his face and looked him in the eye. "You can do this."

Simon doubted it at the moment. To control tremors was one thing, to protect one's own thoughts from an incredibly bright, and at times intimidating, sibling was doable, too. But what she suggested now… "Help me out then," he said as he leaned back against his pillow, closing his eyes more out of habit than fatigue whenever they reached this point in their talks.

It wasn't as if he had accomplished much today, except learn from Book that Jayne's 'secret' was a music box that he wanted repaired. Book was kind enough to explain to the young doctor why Jayne was too embarrassed to ask for his assistance – 'given the tremors and all.' Book offered to help, though and found a way to get the broken box from Kaylee. Before supper time, Book had found a way to return the box to its original place, with no one the wiser.

Simon smiled subconsciously, reflecting on Shepherd's surreptitiousness, wondering just what, exactly had the older man done before going to the Abbey.

"_You shouldn't ask questions that might lead to answers you'll dislike."_

"And you should help me out, please. Your voice - I want to at least hear your voice. It's one thing to throw me into the dark, River, but to go for complete sensory deprivation…that's cruel."

"It isn't as if it's new to you, Simon."

He made a face. "Those were completely different situations, River. One was in a controlled, training session. The other…" He shook his head as he thought back to when he was detained, his parents acting crazy, which he found funny given that's what they had accused him of being. "What do you want me to do, _mei-mei?_"

"Relax."

He laughed. "That's easier said than do-."

"Don't make excuses. Relax. You know how."

Simon stretched out on the bed, his feet beside River who remained where she was. Folding his hands over his chest, he took a series of slow, deep breaths and let them out slowly, attempting to release some of the tension that had built up within.

'Count to-."

Simon didn't hear the number, but complied, first in English, then Mandarin and finally in Latin. With each number, he found himself relaxing, and then falling, as if a loose object in space. As much as the openness of Black held him in awe, it also held a high level of fear he couldn't describe. Serenity was the shell that protected him from the void. To be alone, maybe with an armor suit, and to tumble without control…the thought terrified him.

Simon felt a tether at last, in the form of his sister's singing. He could see her dancing, too, – close enough to see, yet too far to touch. Yet here she was - his anchor. No sooner had he smiled in relief, reaching out to let his fingertips brush against hers when she was near enough, she was gone.

Just as before, he felt himself struggle against the panic, against the blindness. This time, however, he felt someone 'slap' him upside the head. _"Fine,"_ he said. Simon took a couple of deep breaths again and tried…whatever it was…again.

He reached out for River's feelings and felt encouragement before it vanished. He tried to sense a thought from her outside of the last chiding and sensed one word – "_Focus."_

Simon knew what he was familiar with and why, never asking how. This time, however, it seemed as if it was expected of him to… He thought back to the various games they played as children, how they 'knew' the silent, shifting rules that their parents didn't take the care to decipher. Simon held on to that piece – something that didn't require deciphering or decoding until the letters…

"_You're making it too complicated, Simon."_

"_Just because I finished near the top of my class doesn't mean I'm that fast. Let me take my slow-."_

He had her! She had stepped out of hiding and now-.

"_You're getting warmer,"_ she said before 'vanishing' again.

Simon smiled. Between them there had almost been a secret language, one that had infuriated his mother and earned a backhand from his father from time to time, especially if a foul word slipped by ever so rarely. No, here in the now… The pebbles to follow were the specks of the silent code!

Tuning his attention to the code, in the code, he found himself completely surrounded by the code and with the lens of that language-.

"_Took you long enough."_

"_I told you I wasn't fast," he replied._

"_I told you that you weren't focusing," she said._

"_You haven't tried this with the others, have you? Or does it even-?"_

Instead of an answer, Simon found himself walking back to the present, hand in hand with his sister.

River lay down beside him on her stomach, her chin cupped by the hand that propped her up. She looked him with a twinkle in her eye, the same playful smile that reminded him of the bubbly child who got 'yet another one' over her big brother.

Simon turned to his side to face her, a closed hand against his ear to prop upon. "You didn't answer my question, _mei-mei._ Have you tried this on the others?"

"Maybe."

"Jayne?"

"Maybe."

Their smiles widened as Simon learned the truth. "That wasn't very nice."

"Neither was asking Shepherd to help you steal a secret surprise."

"I-."

River sat up at the head of the bed, cross-legged and shook her head slowly. "You knew you could fix it and save them more frustration."

Simon sighed. "Well, I'm sure that will renew itself when the truth comes out. Then I'm sure Jayne would let me have it."

"Maybe." She leaned over to give him a peck on the cheek then skipped out of the room. Before he could ask his question, River called back "Hide and seek!"

Of course," he thought as he rolled back onto his back, an obvious name for an obvious game that dawned on him to be completely one-sided. Oh well, at least he caught up with her, in more ways than one.

---

At common meal that evening, Simon was surprised to see the small pile of gifts set in front of Zoë and Wash. Had he forgotten something so special, so obvious, he wondered?

"River, Simon and I hope you like your present," Kaylee said cheerfully. "Ain't as special as what Inara gotcha, but we hope…"

Simon glanced at both women who gave him an 'of-course-we-have-you-covered' look.

He watched with great interest as the couple had unwrapped Jayne's gift. The music box. When Zoë lifted the lid of the box, a simple melody played, bringing a smile to Zoë's face, matched by her husband's.

"Thought you might, well…" Jayne said, "I know how much you liked that song, so… Not saying it's loud enough for you two to dance, but…"

"We can dance to this," Wash said caressing his wife's hand. "Don't need a large room exactly.

Book asked, "What is the significance of the song, might I ask?"

Zoë closed the box. "It was a song I remembered as a little girl. One of the few times we were able to watch a ballet. One of the few times the whole family was together, peacefully, happily given what was…" Her voice trailed off.

Wash continued for her. "Her siblings took jobs that took them away from home, so gatherings were…tough. I confess I never knew that challenge. But, knowing how much this mattered to Zoë…. Thank you, Jayne. I know we'll treasure this."

Mal looked on contently at his family. "All right, unless you're a member of the anniversary couple, get back to work."

Simon smiled, enjoying the ending of another evening. He cleared the table, surprised to see Jayne having traded places with Shepherd for washing duty.

When the other had gone, Jayne said, "I knowed you took care of it," he said. "Thanks. For both things, I mean."

"Any time," Simon said. "That's what family's for, right?"

Jayne gave him a look that Simon recognized all to well as one only a big brother, in this case a _really_ big brother could give. "Go…go find something to do. I'll finish up." He bumped Simon away from the sink and towards the passenger dorms.

Simon smiled. "Fine," he said. Maybe he'd see who was up for a game of 'hide-and-seek' he thought.


End file.
